About You · Visiting You

Finding Safe Spacey

There are two ways of spreading light – to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

– Edith Wharton

The open air is brittle fire, freshly lit. Smoke moves around several conversations, while a silent yet thrilling Charlie Chaplin is projected onto a white wall that disappears into the black sky. “That Night” reads the title. I cannot help but linger on the irony. The birth of motion pictures in the 1900s was monopolized by men and still is. But tonight, Obviouzly Armchair is about the women, the Becoming of us, her…you.

Just a head turn to the left of the entrance sits a magical space of red velvet curtains. The spotlight brushes the stage ahead of tiny rows of chairs, set for what looks like a feast. A silver guitar lulls the spaces while an angel, later introduced as Aviwe, woos the microphone. As the room fills it feels like a revival. Each seat holds a friend, a family member, a stranger in full support of spoken word. We are here to celebrate expression.

We Are Becoming hosted their first open mic event at, Obviouzly Armchair in May this year.

Lerato, a self-described introvert takes to the stage. “Set an intention and what you want to get from tonight.” The room falls into a silent thought.

Anesu, opens the floor with a shattering poem that meets us with powerful honesty and truth.

The night continues with a revelation of talent, quiet laments and honour in a beautifully innocuous space of pure expression and support. It is refreshing. It is needed. This is important!

WeAreBecoming

The individuals of, We Are Becoming have created a platform focused on supporting and empowering young women. With precise goals and intention, this group is creating valuable events like, Safe Spacey. They are providing social support through their blog and building a community where most of us do not feel part of one.

The importance of such a movement lies in its intention. It takes a village to grow a child. But young girls grow into young ladies and we still need to be protected and guided in our becoming. Strong yet comforting hands are needed for molding and holding through the pains and cries of experience. It is important that women learn to take care of each other – even if we just listen to each other.

We applaud, We Are Becoming on their brilliant work. Visit them on the following pages and get involved:
http://becominginitiative.wixsite.com/wearebecoming
https://web.facebook.com/becominginitiative/
https://www.instagram.com/becominginitiative

About You

Can Shame be Healthy?

“She walked through mud and dung, bleeding, goosefleshed, hobbling. All around her was a dabble of sound…”Shame, shame, shame, shame on the sinner,” chanted the Septas… Bells were ringing, ringing, riging… This is my penance, Ceisei told herself. I have sinned most grievously, this is my atonement. It will be over soon, it will be behind me, then I can forget.”

Extract from: A Dance with Dragons 2: After the Feast by George R.R. Martin

To build a house, one needs essential equipment. Cement for the foundation. Wood for the frames. Tiles for the roof. The emotional building blocks of human beings are no different. Shame is one of our building blocks.

The core reason for shame is guidance and protection. As it is a natural human response – we will always experience it. When we act against our values or beliefs, shame is an ordinary response directing us against that action in the future.

Shame is formed during infancy (Bradshaw 2005:10). Once trust is established between the child and caregiver, shame follows. Bradshaw explains that healthy shame is a mechanism used to aid decision making process of establishing boundaries, likes, dislikes and values. As we get grow, exploration and experience help fine tune these principles on an individual basis.

Unhealthy Shame

Once shame is internalised, it can become toxic. The secrecy of internalising feeds on the self and is destructive. Left too long, it affects the perception we have of ourselves and others, affecting our relationships. It also skews our inner voice to one of judgement.

The masks of shame called humiliation and punishment overshadow the consideration of forgiveness and release. Humiliation replaces expression while atonement stifles the process of emancipation.

Internalised shame has been termed to the Master Emotion (Bradshaw 2005:81) as it has the ability to wrap itself around other emotions and incubate it. Without a clear view into the incubator, one may lose sight of what he or she is actually feeling.

Healthy Shame

Forgiveness is the remedy to releasing shame. It is the act of coming clean. Expression could come in the form of writing, confiding to a safe ear, therapy, confession, whichever feels the safest and most healing. Forgiving yourself and accepting who you are, as you are, removes the ego and brings your closer to wisdom (Bradshaw 2005:9).

John Bradshaw (2005:7) explains that humans are meant to embrace the absolute truth that we do not have ultimate control. Once we let go or the idea of complete authority of ourselves, others and life in general, we give ourselves permission to be human. And gifted with free will, we will all make mistakes. But when shame rears its head, we are to be wise enough to identify our boundary, forgive ourselves and learn from the experience.

References: Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

About You

The Introvert

Preferred solitude, the quiet in the room, introverts may make others feel perturbed.

Their preference for being alone may be misunderstood as unsociable.

Quietness is mistaken for absence and shyness as childlike manner. The lack of overt expression misread as aloof, detached or angry.

Susan Cain however, has shone a bright light on the Introvert and their purposeful place in society.

Her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, is a revolutionary compilation of outstanding introverts and the significant changes they have made by just being themselves. Furthermore, she questions society’s ideals and structures that devalue the introvert challenges us to start reconsider.

Understanding an Introvert

Do not be alarmed if you come across an introvert who prefers a book, a movie or their own company, compared to the company of others. Introverts plug into their vitality by being alone.

Introverts think things through carefully and usually do not say or act without thorough consideration.

This notable thought before decision making may be interpreted as undecided or doubtful. This misinterpretation shoots passed the value of cognition in important decision making and is judged before the answer is considered.

They prefer order and thrive in tasks that require paced and precise execution, making them tremendous strategists and investigators.

Silent as they may be, introverts have an extremely strong internal voice. When shared, their opinions are sharp and precise – usually unexpected.

Famous Introverts

The global conceptualised ideal personality is that of the extrovert however, introverts make up a third of the world’s population. Introverts should celebrate their place in society and understand their gifts. Here are several well-known introverts.

Albert Einstein

Albert E Goalcast

JK Rowling

JK Rowling BookBub

Elon Musk

Elon Musk Gecko&Fly

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep Goalcast

The Quiet Revolution

The Quiet Revolution is a treasured platform for people to understand, navigate and flourish in the world of introverts and being an introvert.

The New York Times best seller, Quiet, has initiated a mission toward balance and inclusivity. Their values celebrate our differences and similarities, revealing that there really is a place for everyone to be their best by being who they really are.

References:

Quiet by Susan Cain ; psychologytoday.com ; Gifts Differing by Isabel Briggs Myers with Peter B. Myers

About You

Nurturing yourself is essential to loving yourself.

Many women have not been privileged to the chapter of healthy living.  It seems to be a modern term.

We watched our mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunties, mentors work hard, struggle and push through depletion.  It seemed normal.  If they did it, we could too.  It is true – we can.  There is nothing a woman cannot do.  But they too watched their mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunties and mentors do the same.  They learnt from their strength and reliance.  However, they also needed to replenish.  Replenishment does not distance you from your strength.  It nurtures it.

Nurturing yourself is an essential part of loving yourself.  Dedication requires the transaction of give and take.  Giving to relationships and tasks that you hold close to your heart may tire you out (even tire you to tears), especially when you are giving more than you are receiving.

What you receive from the opposite party may not always fill the well that you have been sharing from.  As you reach from within, only you can refill the essence that you have shared from your depths.  Once we have replenished, we may continue to share the best of ourselves without those around us.

Well Being You will be sharing some ideas on how to replenish.  For now, it is essential that you know that it is ok to feel exhausted, it is ok to cry.  Just know that you deserve love.  Give yourself a love-line.